I've moved on...

Actually, I moved on last July. In fact, if you're reading this you're the FIRST PERSON BESIDES ME who has done so. That's because my REAL blog is at Cheeky's Hideaway!

So what are you waiting for!?! Get over there! You know you want to...it'll make you feel good (feel good...feel good...echo...echo...echo)

Happy Mother's D'oh

So I've spent the last week being a complete dickweed. A brief catalog of my festival of stupidity includes:

1) Buying a present for my sister's graduation (which was Sunday) and neglecting to mail it (it was still on the counter when I left for work this morning)
2) Forgetting Mother's Day until the last minute when my wife saved my ass and sent flowers
3) The kicker: neglecting to recognize my wife, who is expecting our first child in six weeks, as a "mother" and buying her a present, card, or even a bagel.

The last one was a bit pathetic in retrospect, although in my defense I don't consider myself a "father" yet, since my current parenting requirements are limited to pausing Tivo for 20 seconds to pretend to feel the baby kick. Still, as we're walking through Soho on Sunday and people are going out of their way to wish my wife a Happy Mother's Day I felt like jack-ass of the year.

Philosophically, was I wrong? I think the case is good. From a "you love this person, live with her, are her best friend, and at a bare minimum need to use your brain for more than just basic motor-skills" perspective, I suck ass. I got some heat for it, too, since I have a long-running history of neglecting the "little" things (which consequently become "big" things) because I'm too distracted with
God of War or The Amazing Race (Go Ramber!)

Anyway, let this be a warning to all you expectant father's out there. If you even think you might be expecting next year, go buy a discount Mother's Day card right now, just so you have it. You can thank your Uncle CroutonBoy for saving your nuts.

Technically Retarded

I was going to write today about Mother's Day, or possibly my pending fatherhood (which inspires more terror than anything else right now). I'm sure I'll come back to those, but I couldn't help but notice my previous post and the delightfully vacant square where Ted McGinley was supposed to be. And I just had to lament.

I wonder how many people out there are like me in that they THOUGHT they knew how technology worked, or perhaps they once did, but struggle with some of these basic internet things which the average 8 year old can do. When did I get lapped? I used to be worshipped in my office because I could hook up a printer and fix people's e-mail settings. But this HTMHell crap is killing me.

Granted, this doesn't compare to the time my mother called me because she had erased the main menu on Windows 3.1. I didn't know you could do that, but I was wrong. (When they ask "are you sure you want to delete this?" ALWAYS stop to see if you're sure...that's why they ask the question, people) Blissful ignorance of technology is one thing, but to be somewhat versed in the subject (or worse, to actually work in the field as I do) and still leave ghost photos on your blog is pretty pathetic.

Anyway, if you have any stories of your own pending senility please feel free to share. Or if you're some hot-shot who wants to show and old thirtysomething a thing or two about blogs feel free to comment as well, although you're only allowed three sentences of abuse before you go on auto-delete. Assuming I still know how to do that.

Ted McGinley

I need to take a moment to recognize the fine people at www.jumptheshark.com, who have wisely identified Ted McGinley as their patron saint. A fine actor (see his Oscar-worthy performance in "Revenge of the Nerds" for evidence) but a curse on television. Here's to you, Ted! Feel free to join the cast of "Joey" and put me out of my misery.



For those of you who are TV fans and are unfamiliar with the phrase "Jumping the Shark", I recommend checking out their site for a full-on list of all the show-killers they've archived. Brilliant! Kudos!

What the hell is wrong with you people?

It mystifies me that I have to plead for the life of the funniest show on television, but why WHY WHY is there talk of cancelling "Arrested Development?" Those of you who have not seen this show (I'm talking to you, faithful reader) and are dropping your IQ's by watching "Yes, Dear" and "According to Jim" are missing out on the most brilliant show since "Sports Night," or perhaps even "Cheers." Do you not like to laugh?

Look, there's some fine stuff on TV nowadays. "Scrubs" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" are great, "South Park" and "Chappelle's Show" are cutting edge, and you can still find good reruns of the "Simpsons" every once in a while (although they really need to stop showing anything after season 9, because it's diluting the quality of the reruns and is mimicing the tired impression left by the new shows). I'm even a booster of the Americanized "The Office," which is brilliantly cast and performed. But PEOPLE PLEASE don't let "Arrested Development" disappear.

Remember many years ago when an equally brilliant (though markedly different) show called "Police Squad" aired four times before being cancelled? At the time I heard it was cancelled because it was "too funny" for the viewers. Are you going to take that insult again, America? Are you going to reward the networks for treating you like an idiot? Do you seriously laugh at "Joey"?????????

I beg you, for your own sanity and for the good of Western Civilization, to do any or all of the following:
1) Go to Amazon or Best Buy or wherever you buy DVD's and get the first season of "Arrested Development" right now. Seriously. Go ahead, leave this page, I don't care, but go and order it. You can come back. The blog will still be here.
2) When you're done with that, go to www.getarrested.com and sign the petition to keep the show. And send the link to all of your friends and ask them to do the same.
3) Most importantly, I need you to stop doing whatever useless activity you're doing on Sunday nights while this show is on and WATCH IT. Are you changing a diaper at that time? It can wait. Are you feeding the poor? I didn't think so. Are you drinking heavily? Me too, but you can do both at the same time. Or buy a god damn Tivo (which you should have anyway, you neanderthal) and record it.

OK, I'm selfish, and want more of these shows, but I'm also trying to help you, the discerning viewer, and make you happy. I promise you'll thank me later. And your children will love you more. And you'll live longer. And that rash will go away. I promise.

Draft Day

I'm a long-suffering Seattle Seahawk fan, and every year about this time I get excited--for no good reason--about the NFL draft. Since the team can never seem to put together a great end-to-end season, the draft offers the false hope that some new infusion of talent will give us the boost we need to get over the hump. Why I bother is beyond me.

I have actually sat through hours of draft coverage on ESPN and rummaged through pages of commentary about who will select whom and blah blah blah, only to be bored and disappointed at the end of it. Seriously, how can something which boils down to fifteen minutes of speculation/name called/repeat 7 times be even remotely interesting to sports fans? Yet here we are. Or at least me.

I remember fondly the day we had to pick #2 and got Rick Mirer. Or how about the hype around Dan McGwire or Lamar King? And don't get me started on Bosworth. Seriously, what crimes from a previously life are we paying for? Don't get me wrong, there are diamonds in there (Shaun Alexander PLEASE DON'T LEAVE) but the payoff is never worth it. Someone tell me why I bother.

Now if you don't mind, the live ESPN feed is on and I have to see if they've picked up a DE yet....

So it's the day after and I forgot to hit publish on this. I'm reading all the "draft grades" online, and am wondering what the hell they're talking about. How can you even know if it's a good draft until 5 years down the road? Don't these guys need to get pasted for a couple of years before you know if they can adjust to the pro game and stay out of rehab? Seriously, what a circle-jerk.

And why am I reading these reports? Any why is my team getting graded poorly AGAIN??

Radioactive Green

If they ever publish a report that Diet Mountain Dew leads to cancer or rickets or elephantitus of the eyelid, I'm screwed. There's seriously nothing natural about the color (unless sea algae and plutonium count) but it's the greatest non-alcoholic, non-coffee drink in the universe. And Yellow 5 is my favorite yellow.

And what's a phenylketonuric?

My liver is going to leap out of my throat and flee down the sidewalk if I keep drinking this stuff, I'm sure. For those of you who have further questions about this delicious beverage, there's apparently a hotline at 1-800-433-2652, staffed by Xtreme Service RepX.

Wow, just not getting any better....

Some would call me lucky, I suppose, because I have a job which doesn't require much of me. It's a reasonably well-paying job, I might add, which on paper gives me broad authority to create all sorts of new things for my company. Cool, right? The problem is that I work in a HUGE company where everyone is super-specialized, and a position like mine gets largely ignored by the drones around me. I ask complex questions like "what's your strategy?" or "can you tell me how you would go about doing this?" and you get answers that encompass the .046 inch scope of that persons job, which is like telling someone about your state by describing your back yard. So I sit around and try to figure it out on my own. And THAT, my friends, is boring.

So I kill time between spurts of activity by voraciously consuming music. I'm not one of those people who sheds a tear for the music industry, which has staved off it's own demise by convincing us all to buy CD versions of music we already had in the 80's and 90's. And I could really care less if they can't afford to "develop new artists" when I'm being force-fed the Game, Kelly Clarkson, and Frankie J (who the hell is that, anyway?). So my new favorite hobby is perusing www.allofmp3.com, a great music site where you can download music for $0.02 per MB. That averages out to about $1 per album. And you don't have to deal with all that nasty spyware that you get with the free downloading systems like Limewire and eDonkey (not that I've ever tried those.....) I was never sure I wanted a Matthew Sweet album until 20 minutes ago, when I decided that it was at least worth spending a dollar for it. And how often can you drop $2 on Quadrophenia or Europe '72, or $0.50 for a Flaming Lips EP (which I highly recommend). It's a dangerous dangerous habit for someone like me, who for some reason likes to have a copy of every song he may have ever liked, if even for a brief moment in time. (Check out my Thompson Twins collection for a sample of the madness)

Anyway, for those of you with iPods (which should be everyone but neanderthals and my siblings, at this point) I highly recommend this as an alternative to the iTunes music store, with the added bonus of helping prop up Russian capitalism while simultaneously flipping off Sony and Viacom.

Now back to work, unless anyone has other suggestions to distract me...